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A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV. He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

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Young Ferny moved to Devon and bought a horse from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, "Sorry, Son, but I have some bad news, The horse died."

Ferny replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Ferny said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What are you gonna do with him?"

Ferny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Ferny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Ferny and asked, "What happened With that dead horse?!

Ferny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a Piece and made a net profit of £898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Ferny said, "Just the hloke who won. So I gave him his two pounds back."

Ferny grew up and now works for the government.

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Barman hears the bar door open and close...looks up and sees nothing
Then he thought he heard a slight ,very husky voice say "Pint please"
Barman shakes his head and still cannot see anything
Eventually the voice gruffly spoke again..."pint please"
Barman looks around and then on his toes looks over the bar and sees a Shetland standing there and looking up at the barman
"Oh said the barman I did not see you down there and could hardly hear you with that throaty voice"
The Shetland answered back..."That`s because I`m a little hoarse"

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An old Herald starts mis-firing and finally comes to a juddering halt in a gateway to a field.  Ferny gets out and looks under the bonnet.  Scratching his head he pokes about a bit and wiggles a few connections and tries to start it again, but it won't run properly.  Ferny's just about to call a breakdown truck when he hears someone say "It's the rotor arm mate".  He turns round but can see nobody about.  As he turns back to his Herald he hears "It's one of them crappy plastic ones from India mate. You want a decent one from the Distributor Doctor".

Ferny realises, to his amazement, that there are a couple of horses in the field and one of them is talking to him. Astounded, he swops the rotor arm for a spare one he keeps in the boot, tries the car, and it runs fine. He thanks the horse, gets in and drives on to the pub down the road.

Over a pint, he recounts his amazing story to the barman, not expecting him to believe it for a second. The barman replies "Was it a black horse by any chance?".
"Yes", says Ferny.

The barman replies "That was lucky then".

"The white one knows f**k-all about cars...."

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